Brain format.

Well...

This post is going to be like a testimonial, or a confession of some sorts. I'm giggling as I write this(unfortunately there is no emoticon for that!).

This week I realised once you have a near death experience, you simply fear nothing.  Even the things you think you fear, are just illusions really. Now this state of mind is ofcourse both scary and amazing. I mean you spend most of your life being in fear of something or everything, in all the processes of existence you are taught from day 1 to have an element of fear. Then one day you come close to experiencing the one thing most humans claim to fear, DEATH, and then God say 'watch out...I'm bawsss not you'. Can you imagine!

My near death experience came in the form of a vein exploding in my brain. Something I didn't even think was possible. When the doctor told me what I had suffered after surviving atleast two hours of hospital admin...while unconscious that is, I just said what is that? So I didn't have the opportunity to panic or what not. I just thought ergh I'm sick, less time in real life.  Because you see, somewhere , somehow I had gotten myself to that place. All the things I had done with my life, led me there. To that bed. With that complication.

My body seemed to thank me. And I agreed with it.  I got 3 months off work!!! And didn't care. Honestly I didn't. I decided to see it as a sabbatical; where all my family and friends visit me everyday...whoop whoop.  I allowed myself to be.  I was ok with the complication, understood I had a 50 /50 chance of ever making it out 100%.  And yet again I was just fine. I was so ok I was literally impatient the day of the surgery(which involved going into my brain). I was like can we get this done so I know if I'm making it or not. And that attitude got  me here, functioning just fine.

So today I am living a life wayyyyyyy different from the day I collapsed. And its about to change again. The change was my biggest fear ever, but it has come to my door and I cannot say no no more. I simply have to ride the storm. I'm not sure how to explain it to you, but I am a new person. Some of those who knew be before will agree with me, but I am a work in progress. When major things happen (accident, loss of loved ones, robbery, etc.) I now simply let them be. I sit as long as I have to to deal with the numbness in my legs; my time limit for that is a day.  Then I cry as long as I have to. Then my brain does something I never did before. It goes silent. Absolutely just silent. Then it starts finding solutions to the predicament at hand. Before I would dwell on my mistakes, stay numb from fear and shock for months, and stay angry for yearrrssssss. Nah, that's over!

I learned
- that life is just short. No joke. I'm 29. 40 is 10 years away! Then 50.....
- that my life is precious. Yes I'm here for a reason, I can make that reason worthy or a curse.
- shit happens. DEAL
- I'm not for everyone. Some love me and some don't. BLAH
- nothing absolutely nothing is bigger than GOD.
- you are able to face most things in life. And come out new and victorious.
- people around you are Gods angels. Take care of them, and let them take care of you.
- my favourite, life is too short for bullshit. Don't take it.

I learned from my father that you need to work hard to have whatever you want. I learned from my sister that you can sleep on someone's couch and still run a business that leads you to drive the car you want in less than 5 years. I learned from my mom that she believes in me no matter what; I could start a dog farm tomorrow and she would support me...and she doesn't like dogs! I can tell you so many lessons I've learned form many many of the amazing people around me; and thank the Lord I'm blessed with amazing souls; BUT the best lesson I learned was from me. I learned that I am way way way stronger than I think. My name defines that.

So I say if you have had a life threatening experience(or watched a loved one go through it), you are blessed. You are awake. And that is something most people lose at birth. When you come out on the other side, allow the change to take place. You will be amazed at what lives in you.  The entire whole universe is in you, you need to give it a chance to work with you. No hardship is by mistake, it is exactly what you need at that time to become what your purpose requires you to be to pursue it to perfection.

Ta
Me